Week 4: A Deep Dive Into The Precepts From Beta Cocktails

Bartending is supposed to be fun

May 03, 2021

Welcome back to week 4 of the deep dive mini-series into the transcendent and eccentric cocktail book Beta Cocktails.

If you would like a copy of this hard-to-find book to follow along, you can grab one here.

The Precepts of Beta Cocktails:

Week 1
P. 7: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
Week 2
P. 2: A bar exists to serve customers, not cocktails.
P. 8: You will never serve a cocktail that makes everybody happy, so focus on making one person happy one drink at a time.
Week 3
P. 6: Recipes are guidelines, not gospel.
P. 10: Share recipes. It can inspire.
Week 4
P. 1: Mustaches and arm garters do not make you a bartender.
P. 13: Bartending is supposed to be fun.

I am doing the Precepts out of order, but I will list them by the week above each post with a link so you can refresh yourself on past Precepts if you like.

Onward!

P. 1:
Mustaches and arm garters do not make you a bartender.

The first of the Precepts in the book leaves me asking, what does makes a bartender?

Yesterday's Limes @yesterdayslimes

If a mixologist without a tattoo makes your cocktail, is it even REALLY a cocktail?

Seeing as how it has been over a year since I sat in front of a bartender and much longer than that since I have actually considered myself one, I had to do a bit of thinking on what makes a bartender a bartender. I am not the first to try and sum it up.

To steal a few lines from my battered and stained 1934 copy of The Official Mixer's Manual by Patrick Gavin Duffy:

The barkeeper should be neatly shaved, and his hands and nails should be immaculately clean. A good bartender wears a fresh white linen coat, and I personally fancy a carnation. I hope, in the better bars, to see the old tradition of the trade revived. At the Ashland House, for instance, where I had charge twelve years, four barmen in spotless white, wearing carnations in their lapels, were ranged in their appointed stations behind the long, highly-polished bar. When a customer approached, a little napkin of Irish linen was placed on the counter in front of him. A gleaming glass, suitable for the drink he ordered, was set before him, and the bartender then rapidly mixed the drink.

I cannot too much deplore the custom, which has become prevalent of late of free and general conversation between bartenders and patrons. The bartender should answer civilly and briefly every reasonable question that is put to him, but he should not enter into protracted conversation with the customers.

I would say that the abbreviated forward above outlines a perfect checklist for any bartender:

Neat appearance
Napkin when seated
Polished glassware
Clean bar
Quick service
No mindless chit chat

I see nothing wrong with those simple guidelines, and like Duffy, I hope to see some of the more refined traditions of bar service revived, but time and place obviously play a role. We will talk more about the idea of bartending as a profession when we get to P. 9 in a few weeks. That being said, to juxtapose these guidelines with P. 1 above, perhaps a white jacket with a carnation doesn't make one a bartender either.

So again, what does?

I have typed and deleted the following few paragraphs so many times, so pardon the delay in getting this newsletter out. I had trouble going into this Precept because it is deceptively rude; it also dates Beta Cocktails more than the drinks themselves.

Bartenders have always been a bit high and mighty, and when you have a culture of elitism, it becomes easy and even accepted to gatekeep. That is what this Precept is trying to do, and I am here to disagree with it.

I think we can all agree that the mustachioed bartender wearing turn-of-the-century attire is a little cliché, but who cares? For many bartenders, it's a phase they grow out of, and for others, it's a lifestyle or a fantasy they like to live. If dressing a certain way makes you feel comfortable behind the bar or in any part of your life, that is A-OK with me. One could say the bar is a stage, and what is a stage without a costume!

If I were to flip back through my bartender scrapbook, I have had a few phases in terms of my staged appearance. In the first act, the country winery "cellar rat" look, and it served me well in getting my foot in the door of the drinks business. At another bar job in a different scene, I most certainly donned the vest and tie for a while and may have even worn a fedora once or twice. One of my favorites was the grungy backward baseball cap paired with a t-shirt and jeans and a bar towel in my back pocket look. This, to my dear mother's dismay, was also the start of the tattoos that have slowly crept down my arms like simple syrup oozing down the side of its bottle. Moving forward through time, I even tried the flannel-clad-selvage denim-city-lumberjack get-up that blew through Chicago bars around 2014 like a bad winter storm. Curtains!

None of those looks, outfits, ink, or accessories changed anything about my job. I still showed up to work, clocked in, juiced the fruit, ran the sinks, carried the ice up from the basement, stocked the bar, counted the drawer, put on a smile, unlocked the doors, and served drinks to the masses with the intent of them leaving in a better mindset than when they walked in.

What a bartender chooses to wear has nothing to do with the service they aim to give. Pigeonholing someone based on appearance is bush league. Don't judge a book by its cover.

So now that all that is out of the way let's get to the fun stuff! Because...

P. 13:
Bartending is supposed to be fun.

And holy crap, is it ever!

I will, however, point out the "supposed to be" part in this Precept. They could have simply said, "Bartending is fun," for it certainly is right up until the moment it isn't.

Not every night looks like this:

But, that is pretty close!

Bartenders are a unique set of people, as are the people that choose to sit in or at the bar. The crazy thing is you can't really have one without the other. Both sides need the other side. It is often a Ralph Wolf and Sam Sheepdog kind of agreement.

A quick search on the Internet will give you tons of results for "Things that Annoy Bartenders" or "Ten Things that You do that Drive Bartenders Nuts" or one of my all-time favorite series, "The Bartender Hates You" where a fictional burnt-out bartender takes out his repressed issues on customers that rub him the wrong way.

A simple rule to follow whether you work at a bar or like to sit at one is: Be friendly and respectful to other people. That usually solves all the foreseeable problems and can be applied to all parts of your life. Another would be: Know your limit. Again that one is suitable for both sides of the bar and keeps the bar atmosphere fun, the way it is supposed to be.

I am lucky to have only had a few instances where I needed to step around the bar to break something up or put a stop to a situation. Of course, bad manners and alcohol are always to blame. Something as simple as misplacing a credit card (it happens!) or ringing in a drink wrong can set someone off after they have had a few, but I assure you the problem can always be fixed, and the solution (and your Visa) are much easier to find with respect and kindness.

Oh, right, what about the fun stuff?

When working a bar, your fellow bartenders quickly become like family, and those bonds are firm and long-lasting.

Other perks include:

Friends all over town
Last call doesn't always apply to you
The opportunity to try new products all the time
Cash is king
An excellent standing desk
Mastery of simple addition and subtraction
You can catch a day baseball game before a night shift
You could meet your future spouse when she "loses her phone" and leaves you her number in case you find it while cleaning the bar*
You get to pick the music
Mental fortitude (read: patience)
Skills that will last a lifetime

*We will be celebrating 5 years of marriage this October!

Negatives:

Brunch shifts
Metric VS. Imperial
Angostura Bitters will permanently stain any article of clothing it gets on
The Ramos Gin Fizz

There are, of course, more things that could be added to both lists, but looking back, I had a great time behind the stick, unless it was brunch.

For those of you that tend bar or tended bar, what are some of your favorite perks of the job?

Cocktail Doodle

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