G.P. 9 Kingsley Amis’ Ten General Principles

He who believes he has a hangover does not

Welcome back to the next iteration of my focus on the general principles Kingsley Amis lists in his excellent book, Everyday Drinking: The Distilled Kingsley Amis.

In the book, he lists ten general principles, which can be summarized:

1. Quantity rather than quality

2. For drinks accompanied by fruit or vegetables, try adding juice

3. Cold trumps concentrated

4. Cheap alcohol for mixing with juices

5. Bubbly drinks act faster

6. Soak fruit in liquor before adding to a drink

7. Commercial mixes are okay

8. Wine preparation is important, but price is more so

9. He who believes he has a hangover does not

10. Eating fattens you

To refresh yourself on past principles, feel free to follow the links above to previous entries. 

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Hangovers are never fun, but you may find a few tips from Kingsley and myself below to help the next time you find your hair aching.

Also, the comments are open to everyone for this post! I would love to hear about your hangover cures. My go-to is a big bowl of egg drop soup and an ice-cold Coca-Cola to wash down a few Advil.

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Here we go!

G.P. 9:
He who truly believes he has a hangover has no hangover.

Kingsley believes there are two hangovers: The Physical Hangover (P.H.), aches and pains, and the Metaphysical Hangover (M.H.), the scarier and more psychological of the bunch.

He notes there are already plenty of hangover remedies out there but

such discussions concentrate exclusively on physical manifestations, as if one were treating a mere illness. They omit altogether the psychological, moral, emotional, spiritual aspects: all that vast, vague, awful, shimmering metaphysical superstructure that makes the hangover a (fortunately) unique route to self-knowledge and self-realization.

Scary stuff, right?

The Physical Hangover

Let's start with Kinglsey's list of how to get on top of the Physical Hangover before working on the Metaphysical Hangover. I will summarize his steps below and pepper in a few quotes of his along the way. He begins with:

1. George Gale's Paradox

   1. If you feel terrible when you wake up, this is a good thing because if you felt fine (and you know you should be hungover) then you are still drunk; thus, you have to sober up before the hangover sets in.

      1. Feel lucky if you are feeling awful

2. Have Sex

   1. As vigorously as possible

      1. If and only if your partner is next to you, AND WILLING!

         1. Exercise helps the P.H., and the sex, in general, should give you a head start on your M.H.

      2. If you are in bed with someone other than your partner, abstain to prevent more damage to your M. H. 

         1. Guilt

         2. Regret

      3. Not with yourself to prevent the negative hit it will cause your M.H.

         1. Shame

3. Drink Water

4. Stay in Bed as Long as Possible

   1. There is a divide here because "as long as possible" depends on what you have to do that day. I will continue with bullet points for those of you with real jobs who can't lay in bed all day and actually have to get going:

      • Get up

      • Shower

      • Shave

      • Light breakfast

      • Get drunk at lunch

      The reason why so many professional artists drink a lot is not necessarily very much to do with the artistic temperament, etc. It is simply that they can afford to, because they can normally take a large part of a day off to deal with the ravages.

      Sorry to those who cant't waste the whole morning nursing a hangover. Maybe don't drink so much during the week? Lets get back to it for those of you who have a little more time to lick your wounds:

5. DON'T TAKE A COLD SHOWER

   1. Instead, take a hot bath

      1. Lie in the water as long as possible

         1. When done, stand up and take a hot shower, then lie down to another bath

         2. Repeat multiple times

6. Shave

   1. It lifts morale, and that again chips away at your M.H.

7. Philip Hope-Wallace's Syndrome

   1. If you introduce alkaline to the stomach, the body will produce acid to neutralize it.

      1. So instead of Alka-Seltzer, have a glass of grapefruit juice so your stomach releases a base to neutralize the natural acid in grapefruit juice.

8. Eat Nothing

   1. Coffee is okay if, for some reason, you want to be more present for the P.H.

9. Don't Smoke

10. Waste The Rest of The Morning

    1. Don't talk to anyone

       1. "Talk is tiring."

    2. Take a walk

    3. Sit (or lay) in the park

    4. Around eleven o'clock have a Polish Bison

       1. Polish Bison
          In a warmed teacup or mug
          1 Generous Teaspoon Bovril*
          1 Splash Vodka**
          Top with hot water and stir
          Garnish with a squeeze of lemon and black pepper

          *I keep single use packets of dehydrated beef bouillon around for this exact use

          **Even if you choose not to add the vodka drinking the hot broth will still help

11. At Half Noon:

    1. Take the hair of the dog

       1. Preferably an Underberg

          It comes in miniature bottles holding about a pub double, and should be put down in one. The effect on one’s insides, after a few seconds, is rather like that of throwing a cricket-ball into an empty bath, and the resulting mild convulsions and cries of shock are well worth witnessing. But thereafter a comforting glow supervenes, and very often a marked turn for the better.

    2. Eat, but avoid greasy food

       1. If after lunch you are still feeling awful:

          1. Go to bed

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I have to say this is pretty close to my regiment if I find myself in bad shape after a night of drinking. Step 2 and Step 5 are the highlights of a rather bleak day, and I tend to enjoy grapefruit juice and warm beef broth regardless of my condition. The Underbergs aren't bad either.

Kinglsey offers a couple of other remedies, such as going down into a coal mine for the early shift or flying in an open cabin airplane for half an hour. Donald Watt, a friend of Kingsley's, gives his remedy of drinking a full glass of Bénédictine or Grand Marnier in place of breakfast.

Good luck with those.

The Metaphysical Hangover

Now the Metaphysical Hangover is another beast entirely. You may not even know that it had a name. It is recommended not to even bother attempting to best it until you have quelled the agony of the Physical Hangover.

The Metaphysical Hangover is the dread, anxiety, languishing, fear, sadness, and depression that can overwhelm someone into thinking they are a failure, a has-been, an idiot, or a waste. When you sense these feelings coming on, tell yourself that you have a hangover, which is why you feel this way. You aren't a failure. You aren't a has-been. Nor are you an idiot or a waste.

If you can convince yourself that all these feelings are not reality, and that they are tricks in your brain caused by the M.H., AND hopefully your P.H. has subsided, then you have cured the hangover because:

G.P. 9:
He who truly believes he has a hangover has no hangover.

It's basically a way of saying: acceptance is the first step.

If this doesn't work Kingsley lists plenty of reading and musicical suggestions to make you feel worse so you can start feeling better. In his words, "a good cry is the initial aim."

Kingsley’s Suggested Hangover Reading

• The final scene of Paradise Lost

• The Poems of A. E. Houseman or R. S. Thomas

• One Day in the life of Ivan Denisovich by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

• Horatius by Thomas Babington Macaulay

• Lepanto by G. K. Chesterton 

If all of those are starting to work, then it is okay to move to thrillers like Ian Fleming, Gavin Lyall, or C. S. Forester's works. Any comedic writing should only come after you are feeling much better.

Kingsley’s Suggested Hangover Listening

• The last movement of Tchaikovsky's Sixth Symphony: Pathétique

• "The Swan of Tuonela" by Sibelius 

• The incidental music for the play Pelleas and Melisande, also by Sibelius

• "Alto Rhapsody" by Brahms performed by Kathleen Ferrier

If those notes brought some tears to your eyes, then move on to something more uplifting. Try Haydn's Trumpet Concertos. No pop. No jazz.

Kingsley does make an exception to say that a super dreary Miles Davis track would be okay, but he does also leave this word of caution:

Warning: Make quite sure that Davis's sometime partner, John Coltrane, is not "playing" his saxophone on any track you choose. He will suggest to you, in the strongest terms, that life is exactly what you are at present taking it to be: cheap, futile and meaningless.

As a fan of Coltrane and Davis, I can't agree with Kingsley on his opinion of the saxophone, but I would rather have total silence than hearing my favorite Davis and Coltrane album, Kind of Blue, in the middle of a rough hangover. I’ll stick with Pathétique.

If none of the above works perhaps try the meal recommendation that Kinglsey ends the chapter with:

Samuel Taylor Coleridge's Breakfast
Sundays only
6 Fried Eggs
1 Glass Laudanum and Seltzer

MmmMmmm! Breakfast of champions!

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To get serious, this entire thing hasn't touched on prevention, and that should be the name of the game. Hangovers are entirely preventable. Yes, these tactics may help you once you are waist-deep in one, but there is never a reason to get there in the first place.

Skip the shots. Drink water. Know your limit. Focus on quality, not quantity.

If you think you have a problem with drinking, there are tons of organizations in place to help. Reach out, and I will do my best to put you in contact with someone that can help.

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Next week this series comes to an end with the final G.P. from Everyday Drinking: The Distilled Kingsley Amis:

G.P. 10:
Eating fattens you.

Thanks for reading!

Comments are open to everyone this week! What is your hangover cure?